Go Suck a Lemon: Strategies for Improving Your Emotional Intelligence

Absolute musts are inflexible models of behavior that most of us respect, but often fall short of achieving, ourselves. No one, including you, can live h/er entire lives in an ideal state. Make a lot of room for imperfection by curbing or even eliminating the words should, ought, must, have to and need from our vocabulary and our emotional intelligence may likely grow by leaps and bounds.

It appears that modern humankind often confuses a rude, uncooperative person with a hungry black bear. To our primitive, un-evolved stress response, criticism and black bears are identical.

Psycho–social conditions can instigate biological complications by predisposing the patient to unpredicted risk factors. Cancer, schizophrenia, diabetes, depression, anxiety or even a broken ankle are each best treated from a whole person perspective.

I have developed for myself a system of self-talk that works for me. I simply say to myself: Shit is shit and I can be content when shit is shit. Shit does not have to be cake for me to be content. Shit can be shit and I know that at some point shit will be consumed by time and I can live contentedly while that happens. Essentially, shit is time-limited and I can wait, and I will be content in the meantime.

A + iB = C/D > E Where an (A)ctivating event plus an irrational (iB)elief equals an emotional (C)onsequence which can be divided into its working parts by (D)isputation to equal a greater (E)motional outcome.

These beliefs are not as widely held, but they are rational, not harmful and will likely bring emotional comfort, because the standards implicit in them are under the individual’s control. We, as a species, in modern times are more likely to survive without the cooperation of others, so we can broaden our thinking to include our individual freedom for choosing our emotions, without threatening our place in the hierarchy of humankind.

To begin the process of improving emotional intelligence, we might first consider reviewing our historical self-talk, identifying our use of absolute demands, and becoming aware that it is not the events we experience that make us feel. It is our view of the events.

“We believe we must encounter only events that unfold in a certain, familiar way. We tell ourselves that we cannot stand variation and we cannot be content unless things are the way we demand they should be,” Al said. “If they are not, then we tell ourselves we cannot be content unless things change to suit us. We tell ourselves that others absolutely should, ought, must, have to and need to cooperate with our absolute demands or it’s a goddamn shame and we can’t stand it!”

Instead of taking responsibility for our own emotions, Al believed that people choose to whine and complain about how other people should, must, have to and need to change in order for them to be content in their own lives.