Meg Mason

You must feel so lucky, being married to a man like that.’ I said yes and thought about
explaining the drawbacks of being married to somebody who everybody thinks is nice,

They could not tell that for most of my adult life and all of my marriage I have been trying to become the opposite of myself.

Patrick is the only person who knows the main reason because it is the worst thing I have ever thought. I went back inside because, even as I was then, I thought I was too clever and special, better than anyone who would do what I had come out to do, I was not the one in every cohort. I went back inside because I was too proud.

Although ideally, you want to figure out the reason why you keep burning your own house down.

I said I am so sorry. ‘I’m the worst person in the world.’

‘No you’re not.’ Patrick’s hand came down in a fist and he hit the arm of the sofa. ‘You’re not the best person in the world either, which is what you really think. You’re the same as everybody else. But that’s harder for you, isn’t it. You’d rather be one or the other. The idea you might be ordinary is unbearable.’

I have been loved every day of my adult life. I have been unbearable but I have never been unloved. I have felt alone but I have never been alone and I’ve been forgiven for the unforgiveable things I have done.

He said no one ever talking about anything when he was growing up was the reason.

But as I passed the open door on my way to the stairs and saw them, shoulder to shoulder on the too-small sofa, loneliness collected me with such force I felt like I had been winded.

I pretended not to hear him because there was no way to bear the kindness of it

Sitting between Patrick and Oliver, my arms pressed against theirs, all I wanted to do was stay there and watch competition darts while my cold empty body absorbed their warmth. The only thing Patrick said, turning his head but avoiding my eye, was, ‘I hope you’re okay.’